As I lay in my bed listening to the sound of the rain falling against my window pane I wrapped my warm Duve bed spread around my body encasing myself in a fabric like cocoon. I loved the rain. And the way it sounded as it fell against the roof. It really didn't matter how hard it fell, or even how horrible the lightning struck the earth I still loved it deeply. The rain always put me in sort of a romantic mood. And on this raining Georgia night I could not help but feel the need to be snuggled close into a man, any mans embrace.
I don't know why I had that urge every time the rain came. I guess I could blame it on my first lover. He use to always hold me when the rain blew through town, and so I got use to it. But when he wasn't around, and the rain came along. There was no one to hold me and so I missed it. I missed the warmth of his embrace. The long so conversations that we had as the symphony of rain drops hummed a soft score. I missed the way he nibbled my ears, and the vibrations of his voice tickled my neck But most of all I missed the moments of solitude that we shared together speaking of everything and nothing whenever it rained. Those were some of the most intimate moments of my life. They special because it was then that I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me.
Intimacy…
As the rain held me captivate by its sweet godly music, I thought of that man, and how we use t be. How connected we were. And I began to reminisce even more so of our broken affair, not just in its love making but in how we use to engage with one another. Between us so much more existed than just sex, and as I pondered our relationship, my relationships after, and the relationships of older generations. I could definitely see a difference in the before and now. I could also see a difference in the way our generation period relate to one another as appose to the way the generation before ours did. They talked to one another, listened to one another, took time to get to know one another; it brought a stifling sort of anger to my whole being to know that I was being cheated out of the fullness of relations, and I began to ask myself a very important questions.
What the fuck happened to intimacy?
I know some people who believe that intimacy doesn't even exist anymore. I believe it does, or at least I am hoping that it still does. The fact of the matter is for me it has been a long time since I have experienced any parts of it. In fact I think the very last time was with that guy on the phone and before then I was in my late teens, or early twenties, and I am in my late twenties now. That's been a long time. Ok let me stop exaggerating, It wasn't that long ago, it was in my last relationship, but it was very spermatic. (We weren't equally yoked.) But honest to goodness it has been a minute since I have enjoyed the depth of someone's being.
That's what I think Intimacy is, discovering the inner workings of someone's soul. Yes, that was deep but it is true. Genuine intimacy is not just erotic. It is stimulating physically as well as mentally, and emotionally. It is methodical, honest, sensual, irrational, unpredictable and unscripted. Real intimacy is charismatic, and silly; and nothing about it feels the way it should, but it feels perfectly right. I think most of you who have experienced it, know exactly what I am talking about Real intimacy can leave you full and starving all at the same time.
You know the kind that I am writing about, the kind of intimacy that goes beyond sexual satisfaction. But it feels you up in a way that it leaves you breathless. Accompanied by a type of passion that you can't remember having ever experienced before. You all know what I am talking about, when you get so deep in conversation with someone that you end up revealing pieces of the fabric of who you are inside, and it is brings emotions to the surface that reduce you to tears or causes you to laugh so hard that it echoes off of the walls. But you don't even feel embarrassed by having let yourself go because for some reason being around that person makes you feel that it is perfectly alright.
You know the kind of intimacy that leaves your mind completely ravaged because you have talk your life away. The kinds of intimacy that keeps you holding on to him/her all night, or makes you snuggle deeper into his/her embrace, and not once do you feel the need to pull or push away. You know the kind of intimacy that keeps you coming back for more, because when you are away from him/her you feel a strong yearning to be, back inside that cocoon of intrigue; intriguing intimacy.
Yawl don't feel what I am saying my brothers and sisters. I am talking about quite conversations on the floor of your living room while the television watches the both of you. Lazy days in the middle of the bed as the rain falls gently against your window pain, and not once did you have to say a word but he/she knew everything you needed/wanted. I am talking about soft tender kisses on the fore head at night. Long walks to nowhere in the middle of the day. Laughing and playing as the both of you make dinner. I am talking about those long hot baths that grow cold because the both of you have sat in the tub for far too long, just enjoying the idea of being with each other. Long phone calls in bed that linger long into the morning hours and you wake up with the phone strapped to your ear, because you just weren't willing to hang up. I am talking about hot passionate love making, from three in the afternoon till for in the morning, the kind broken by kisses, and conversations, bouts of sleep that leave the both of you so satisfied that you dare not leave the bedroom least you interrupt the sweet melancholy of it all.
You see there so many types of Intimacy, and it so rare when they come together. But when they do, oh when they do come together and all are present at the exact same moment. It is like being swept away into this magical world where nothing else exist but you, he/she and that thing called intimacy.(OMG, I think I just went off the deep end. I swear I just had five orgasms while I was typing that. Smiling)
Like I said before; it has been such a long time since I have engaged in that thing called anything close to intimate intimacy that I was beginning to think it had gone the way of condoms; no one used them anymore. Much like condoms people though it just got in the way of the sex. The contrary is true for both. In my opinion how can one truly have good (great) sex without intimacy? It's an oxymoron isn't it? It just can't be done, I mean you can have some good dirty emotionless debauchery, but it will never be as good or as satisfying as the kind of sex that comes along with a deep down to my soul connection. Know as well as I do that sex is just sex but good sex only comes into play when you get into another person and that person gets into you. When a person knows you, down to your spirit they can satisfy you with the touch of their hand, because can read you. They know how to touch you, how to hold you, how to kiss you, how to talk to you; and you won't ever have to say a word. Hell, they might not even need to touch you; I have known people to have orgasms just from someone speaking to them. They call it a mental orgasm. But that is what this whole dating thing is all about; finding that complete connection that allows you to continuously discover new things about someone. At least that's what I have always thought.
I once heard someone call intimacy the art of being in-to-me and honestly I think that is a perfect explanation. Isn't that what we want someone who is actually interested in us? At least that is what I want someone who is really into me, and not just trying to get in me.
I keep stressing the word intimacy because somehow I think it got left behind somewhere in history like the eight tracks, VCR, cassette players, we dropped it somewhere and kept the fuck on. Yet somehow we have been magically getting along fine without it. Well damn that, I am tired of getting along. I want that intimacy; that honest to goodness best conversation ever, got you feeling all warm and fuzz's inside that completely sprung "shoop shoop" type of intimacy. Honestly, I think we all want that, we all identify with wanting that type of intimacy be you male, female, she-male, gay, straight, bi, etc...
You know that is what we're all really searching for.
Us gay men, we seem to have the hardest time achieving such a thing. Which makes no sense to me at all, when that place called intimacy is exactly where we want to be. In that place there is that special connection with another guy on a level that far surpasses the monotony of day to day affairs, and tawdry casual encounters. We are searching for that connection that exceeds gender restrictions, because lots of people try to make us into these sick sexual animals and that is so not true. Honestly we're just men, looking for another man that we can completely be ourselves around. Someone who makes us laugh, that we can cry with, and scream with, play ball with, drink with, lay with, and just be completely and utterly vulnerable with. It sounds good doesn't it!
Funny thing about intimacy though, most of us, all of us; men and women think that the only way to achieve it; is through sex. Because for some odd reason we associate that pleasure connection, or the ability to let go and lose yourself in that moment of sexual satisfaction as true intimacy. That is not true though. The definition of Intimacy is the art of being intimate. The definition of intimate is to communicate delicately and indirectly. Which in my opinion means that conversation, mental stimulation, eye contact, physical touch, an emotional connection are all major players in this game. Sex is only a very small piece of an extremely huge puzzle. There are so many nuances, and so many levels, and so many little moments that make up what we crave. The moment that we understand that fact, well then real intimacy may be a whole lot easier to come by.
It's funny how the weather brought on such deep seeded emotions to the surface for me. The sky opened up on day and heaven let loose a thunderstorm all over Atlanta that wouldn't quit, and when I woke up to thundering and lightening outside of my window. I suddenly felt very....vulnerable! (Yes, that is the right word) I felt vulnerable. And it seemed every night there after as the ran beat out a melody against my window pain and I sat there in my bed alone I found myself feeling that surge of emotion that I could only explain as a need for human connection. It was those very emotions that lead me to my actions, and before long I was doing what most of us do; drowning myself in sexual miss-conduct. And after the first time and second time didn't satisfy that burning inside me I begin to really explore what I was feeling. What I desired went past lust. I desired something Serene. What I desired was to be close to someone, and have someone close to me, and that desire leads me to search for it. But when I couldn't find it, intimacy, I begin to ask myself why?
The answer is simple; everybody is too busy boning. Even the love songs aren't talking about love anymore, it's all about sex. Whatever happened to turning off the lights and lighting a candle? Whatever happened to sunshine on a cloudy day? Instead now they're singing bend over and show the world, tut that booty up girl. When did intimacy die? I want somebody to bring me joy, you know, joy when I'm down. So much joy. We all crave it, that joy, that connection, that intimacy.
Sad thing is we're running, fleeing like Frankenstein's monster away from the villagers and their burning torches. Running like children through the woods at camp Crystal Lake. Running like teenagers on Elm Street through their dreams. We are running, and so was I. Yea, I did it too, ran like a thief in the night, and frankly I am tired. I don't want to run any more. I want it, I want intimacy. My question to you is when are you going to get tired of running? When are you going to allow yourself to be open, to talk delicately and indirectly with someone? When are you going to allow yourself to get close to someone, and let them bring you joy? When are you going to allow yourself to have true intimacy?
By: Rafael Solece
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