MyBooVideo

My 2nd you tube Video. A spolken word peace about the man I lost but never really had

Doubt the Course: By Rafael Solece

Someone asked me today "Do I ever doubt myself?' They couldn't have asked at a more terminal point than at that very moment. I was already going through some issues. I was stressed about my book pre-release. Frustrated about the funding for my Book Listening Party, and worried about how I was going to pay my bills. I was scared that the groceries in my cabinet weren't going to make it through till I got paid again. Most of all I was worried about all the people in my life whom were depending on me to make things happen, and I was scared that I might actually fall short this week. SO when he asked me such a simple question I was one deep breath away from breaking down, bursting into tears, and sobbing uncontrollably into my coffee cup. (Something in me said not to breath. So I held my breath for ten seconds) I looked him dead in his eyes and I said softly and with as much convictions I could muster: I no more doubt myself than any other person who has ambitions and goals. It's not doubt that I feel more so than it is me trying to maintain a sense of urgency and certainty. He nodded his head and went back to the task of prepping his coffee. But as we sat there listening to the sounds of Christmas music play above our heads, I thought of my dreams, my goals, my ambitions, and I tried my best to keep those tears at bay.

If you follow me on twitter then you know my struggles. You know that I have worries, that I have fears, and that I constantly doubt myself all the time. There are those that would look at me and think "he thinks he owns the world." But that's not it at all; my confident air is a cover up for the fear that sometimes swells up inside of me. I am just a brother who is trying to make it happen for me, but there ain't no outline for what I am trying to achieve. People sometimes think that I know exactly what I am doing, but every step I take is a guess. Nothing is calculated about anything that I do, and my justification for the result of said decisions made in my life is that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and exactly where God wants me to be."

If that is true why do I feel like I am standing in the middle of the forest lost and without a compass, a map, or a guide? Is this how taking risk is supposed to feel? Is this how life is suppose to feel; completely frightening, and out of my control? If so then I have succeed at least at that, because that is exactly how I feel. I sometimes wonder how people get pass the struggle. It seems so insurmountable at times, and at other times it just feels dangerously crazy what I have decided to do with my life, with my career.

But isn't that what I wanted to be different to stand out? I mean honestly I have always been on the outside looking in at the so called regular people. SO what makes where I am now any different. Of course the safe road would be to just work at a "job" until retirement came time, but then I would be stuck doing what someone else wanted me to do and completely unhappy. I may be a tad bit discouraged now, but there are those moments when I am completely happy and enamored by the projects that I am working on. When actually money and bills are the furthest thing from my mind.

I wish I had more of those moments then the stress of it all wouldn't weight so heavily on me. Despite the fear, the anxiety, the frustration, I wouldn't change my course at all. Writing is my life, so I choose life.

Confessions of a Black Gay Man

By Rafael Solece

People ask me all the time why I moved to Atlanta. It seems to be the first question on the dating questionnaire that all men give. I give all sorts of reasons why. Usually I say I got a job offer I just could refuse. That's not completely untrue. But it also isn't the entire truth. Or not the Real reason I moved to this budding metropolis. I could say it was because of all the phyne men floating around in the city. Or I could say it's because it's the best place for a black gay professional who's trying to make his mark on the world. But all of these would be lies. I really moved to Atlanta for LOVE…

Love, I use to love, love; and everything that had anything to do with it. The thought of Love use bring a tingling sensation to the back of my throat. It made my heart beat in triplets and it would cause this little song to play in the back drop of my mind. (I use to love that song) God! How I use to love, love. I even use to love to see love in action. The way two people looked when they were enamored with one another. How they gazed longingly in to each other's eye. The way that they would whisper little thing to each other, like they were telling a secrete that the rest of the world wasn't allowed to know. I use to love to watch lover's hold each other. But I use to especially love to see the way they talked silently with their eyes, in that special language that only lover's really understood. (I remember what that was like too)

Oh how I use to love, love.

But I don't love, love anymore. Not like I use to, at least not in the way I use to. Now the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach. (Yes, sick to my stomach.) When I think about how you go through it; love, and it just ends up hurting you. That's what loving love does to you. That's the real reason I am in Atlanta because guess you could say, I ain't in love with love anymore. You can blame my Ex Dwight for that. For me, He has completely and utterly destroyed any lingering thoughts that love could or ever will exist for me, or between two men period. I guess you could say he broke my heart. Or maybe he just gave me a realistic view of love.

 

TO BE CONTINUED...