My Love Button Is Broken

By Rafael Solece

I think My love button is broken. The reason I say this is because I keep picking men to date that don't know how to love me back, or just decide that they aren't going to choose me. Men who are quick to tell me that they love/like me. I am the perfect little somebody. I am sweet, I am loving, I am perfect, I have dreams and ambitions, and I am sexy and cute. Yet some how I fall short of their requirements for love and the next thing I know I find out that their locked down in a relationship. This usually happens a month after they tell me that they just want to take their time with me, and date. WTF! Is that not the craziest shit that you have ever heard in your life? How in do you fall in love and get locked down in a relationship while dating someone else?
This happened several times in 2009. The very first was with a Porn Producer that I found myself falling for. Those of you who follow me on twitter might remember this. It was around the first part of the summer months, late spring. He was everything I thought I wanted in a man. Successful, Energetic, Funny, Extremely attractive. He was extremely well versed. He had the stamina of an Ox, and he was available. WE met one evening under some extraordinary circumstances (lol) and we had breakfast and a wonderful conversation. We went out on a couple of more dates subsequently, during which time I felt myself falling for him. Now some time went pass and his texts slowed and then they stopped all together some weeks later I read on his blog that he is booed up. Needless to say I was a little heart broken, I really liked that guy. Hell! He was the perfect prototype for Myles. (we will get into who/what a Myles is later.) Anyway, I was pushed to the side, and left out in the cold like some left over fish you pick up at the Marta station.
Now, this recently happened to me again. I met a guy and we exchanged math. We proceeded to converse via text over the course of two months. Mostly because i was busy with book and blog stuff, and my time was very limited. Finally one night we managed a date. We hung out, had some drinks, played some cards. It seemed that everything was there. The Chemistry, the attraction, He read me well, as well as I did him. We hung quite a few more times over the course of the month of December. (No nukkie, but lots of talk of Nukkie in the future) We discussed our dreams, ambitions, what we wanted in mates, and past relationships. We had a lot in common, and we began to grow closer. Though we both knew we weren't ready to dive into a relationship, still there was mutual fascination and interest. At some point we actually even started imagining what it might be like to reside with one another somewhere down the line. Then one day he says to me. I just got out of a relationship, and though I like you, I would like to slow down. Then he starts saying thing s like
"I am just testing you to see if you can deal with me. I just don't want to be hurt any more."
At first this pissed me off but I understood, I had been single for at least two years but before that I had always been in a relationship. So I got what he was saying. The testing me thing kind of pissed me off. Hell I had been hurt too. I had gone through just as much bull as he had, but I didn't charge other men for what my past lovers had done to me. When I give myself I don't ask for payment; I don't ask you to earn anything. All I ask for is your love, dedication, and appreciation. Why was I being tested. Then a couple of weeks pass and suddenly he's talking back with his ex, and they are practically living together again.
I can't tell you how much this pissed me off. Now the Porno Man was a shock and it threw me off my game, but this guy just really pissed me off. Honestly it hurt my damn feelings. I started to wonder what the Fuck is wrong with me that No Body picks me. If I am so great, so attractive, so sweet, so sexy, got such good sex, so ambitious, so motivated and motivating. Why is it, if I am so intelligent, funny, loving, devoted, and a hell of a catch; why in the hell are men picking the default model.
My only conclusion was that My Love Button Is Broken.
Perhaps it's not the men with the problem, but perhaps it is me. The button in my heart that picks the men to fall for has got to be broken. Because for some reason I keep picking these broke down and confused dudes. If this is the case, how do I correct this problem? Who do I call to repair my Love button? Is there a number I can call 1-800-luvbutton? Is there a service similar to the Geek Squad that I can call? Where is the HeartBregade and how do I get in contact with them? Because this issue that I am having with picking the wrong man is not one that I would particularly like to continue having throughout the rest of my life. Hell I deserve to be picked, and picked by a great guy like myself.
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE COME FIX MY LOVE BUTTON?

"You"d Better Move"

I woke up this morning feeling ready to take on the world. Though there are a lot of things that need to be done during the course of this week. I feel extremely capable of taking on all my task with little stress and diligence. I guess i feel empowered this morning. But a better word would be energized. I am sure that it was the sermon that Bishop delivered yesterday. It's something about hearing confirmation, about a conversation that you have already had with The Most High that makes one feel unstoppable. That affirmation that what your doing, where your going, what it is that you want in life is in accordance with The Most Highs plan for you.
I was so scared months ago about leaving behind my current situation. I was uncertain that I had had what it took financially to form a stable lifestyle for myself. The life style that I wanted; the life style that I felt that I deserved. Problem with that was I had already received the assertion early on that would be okay. You see to feel something so deep down in your soul that it wakes you from your sleep at night, or boggles your mind all through the day is the way I know I have a word from God. When he has placed something in me. Whatever it is just won't let me sleep. I toss and turn, I sit up at night, and in my dreams whatever it is still bothers me. That's The Most Highs way of letting me know, this is what I want you to do. For me, it's a nagging sort of a situation, because I never listen the first time.
But by the time he's done with me I am so feed up with what is going on around me standing in it, even the thought of standing in it causes an uneasiness in my spirit. So it is no wonder that now I am so ready for this next phase, of my life/career. It's why I feel so confident in the things that I am doing. Because where I am is so uncomfortable that I can't bare to stay. I've grown pass it, over it, and now it's time for me to move on.
Understand that when your spirit has had enough. When you are worn out on a particular situation or circumstance, there is a communion between the Holy spirit and your spirit that happens. They both come to and understanding or agreement and decide that life has something else to offer. It is then that without your permission different plans are made for you. New ideals are formed, what was once comfortable for you in you physical become uncomfortable and almost unbearable and suddenly you can't stand to be where you are. When this happens and you recognize it, you know then that some grow has taken place, and exponentially that it is time for you to move on. That I think is what happened to me some months ago. That's why now there is such an urgency for change.
Recognize when you have change. You will be all the better for it, and you won't be sitting around disgusted buy things and not know why....
This is Rafael Solece....Writing Out Loud

Thankful

As I am making my way to the House of The Most High this morning I am "thankful" for all that is being done in and for my life in most recently. As 2010 came in I had high hopes for what was to come, but even now as the first week is coming to a close I never imagined that even my challenges could be blessing. Yet the first couple of blessings of the year were presented to me and I think that I handled them with grace, humility, and much maturity. I feel empowered and oh so encouraged to attack my blessings eagerness, and I only hope that as I move forward in this year that I am continue to superceed my own expectations. I hope that I accomplishments are great mountains in the eyes of those that wish me to underachieve. Every day I will write, every chance I will blog, and I hope that my imagination is like that of a child "magical and great" as I move forward in my choosen career. Stick with me, I promise I have awesome things in store.

Rafael Solece



- Writing Out Loud from my iPhone