Officially Missing You - Tamia (Acoustic Cover) *Only available in HIGH QUALITY

This girl is Fabulous you really need to get into her she is an up and comer

Intimacy: Get-In-To-Me

As I lay in my bed listening to the sound of the rain falling against my window pane I wrapped my warm Duve bed spread around my body encasing myself in a fabric like cocoon. I loved the rain. And the way it sounded as it fell against the roof. It really didn't matter how hard it fell, or even how horrible the lightning struck the earth I still loved it deeply. The rain always put me in sort of a romantic mood. And on this raining Georgia night I could not help but feel the need to be snuggled close into a man, any mans embrace.

I don't know why I had that urge every time the rain came. I guess I could blame it on my first lover. He use to always hold me when the rain blew through town, and so I got use to it. But when he wasn't around, and the rain came along. There was no one to hold me and so I missed it. I missed the warmth of his embrace. The long so conversations that we had as the symphony of rain drops hummed a soft score. I missed the way he nibbled my ears, and the vibrations of his voice tickled my neck But most of all I missed the moments of solitude that we shared together speaking of everything and nothing whenever it rained. Those were some of the most intimate moments of my life. They special because it was then that I knew everything about him, and he knew everything about me.

Intimacy…

As the rain held me captivate by its sweet godly music, I thought of that man, and how we use t be. How connected we were. And I began to reminisce even more so of our broken affair, not just in its love making but in how we use to engage with one another. Between us so much more existed than just sex, and as I pondered our relationship, my relationships after, and the relationships of older generations. I could definitely see a difference in the before and now. I could also see a difference in the way our generation period relate to one another as appose to the way the generation before ours did. They talked to one another, listened to one another, took time to get to know one another; it brought a stifling sort of anger to my whole being to know that I was being cheated out of the fullness of relations, and I began to ask myself a very important questions.

What the fuck happened to intimacy?

I know some people who believe that intimacy doesn't even exist anymore. I believe it does, or at least I am hoping that it still does. The fact of the matter is for me it has been a long time since I have experienced any parts of it. In fact I think the very last time was with that guy on the phone and before then I was in my late teens, or early twenties, and I am in my late twenties now. That's been a long time. Ok let me stop exaggerating, It wasn't that long ago, it was in my last relationship, but it was very spermatic. (We weren't equally yoked.) But honest to goodness it has been a minute since I have enjoyed the depth of someone's being.

That's what I think Intimacy is, discovering the inner workings of someone's soul. Yes, that was deep but it is true. Genuine intimacy is not just erotic. It is stimulating physically as well as mentally, and emotionally. It is methodical, honest, sensual, irrational, unpredictable and unscripted. Real intimacy is charismatic, and silly; and nothing about it feels the way it should, but it feels perfectly right. I think most of you who have experienced it, know exactly what I am talking about Real intimacy can leave you full and starving all at the same time.

You know the kind that I am writing about, the kind of intimacy that goes beyond sexual satisfaction. But it feels you up in a way that it leaves you breathless. Accompanied by a type of passion that you can't remember having ever experienced before. You all know what I am talking about, when you get so deep in conversation with someone that you end up revealing pieces of the fabric of who you are inside, and it is brings emotions to the surface that reduce you to tears or causes you to laugh so hard that it echoes off of the walls. But you don't even feel embarrassed by having let yourself go because for some reason being around that person makes you feel that it is perfectly alright.

You know the kind of intimacy that leaves your mind completely ravaged because you have talk your life away. The kinds of intimacy that keeps you holding on to him/her all night, or makes you snuggle deeper into his/her embrace, and not once do you feel the need to pull or push away. You know the kind of intimacy that keeps you coming back for more, because when you are away from him/her you feel a strong yearning to be, back inside that cocoon of intrigue; intriguing intimacy.

Yawl don't feel what I am saying my brothers and sisters. I am talking about quite conversations on the floor of your living room while the television watches the both of you. Lazy days in the middle of the bed as the rain falls gently against your window pain, and not once did you have to say a word but he/she knew everything you needed/wanted. I am talking about soft tender kisses on the fore head at night. Long walks to nowhere in the middle of the day. Laughing and playing as the both of you make dinner. I am talking about those long hot baths that grow cold because the both of you have sat in the tub for far too long, just enjoying the idea of being with each other. Long phone calls in bed that linger long into the morning hours and you wake up with the phone strapped to your ear, because you just weren't willing to hang up. I am talking about hot passionate love making, from three in the afternoon till for in the morning, the kind broken by kisses, and conversations, bouts of sleep that leave the both of you so satisfied that you dare not leave the bedroom least you interrupt the sweet melancholy of it all.

You see there so many types of Intimacy, and it so rare when they come together. But when they do, oh when they do come together and all are present at the exact same moment. It is like being swept away into this magical world where nothing else exist but you, he/she and that thing called intimacy.(OMG, I think I just went off the deep end. I swear I just had five orgasms while I was typing that. Smiling)

Like I said before; it has been such a long time since I have engaged in that thing called anything close to intimate intimacy that I was beginning to think it had gone the way of condoms; no one used them anymore. Much like condoms people though it just got in the way of the sex. The contrary is true for both. In my opinion how can one truly have good (great) sex without intimacy? It's an oxymoron isn't it? It just can't be done, I mean you can have some good dirty emotionless debauchery, but it will never be as good or as satisfying as the kind of sex that comes along with a deep down to my soul connection. Know as well as I do that sex is just sex but good sex only comes into play when you get into another person and that person gets into you. When a person knows you, down to your spirit they can satisfy you with the touch of their hand, because can read you. They know how to touch you, how to hold you, how to kiss you, how to talk to you; and you won't ever have to say a word. Hell, they might not even need to touch you; I have known people to have orgasms just from someone speaking to them. They call it a mental orgasm. But that is what this whole dating thing is all about; finding that complete connection that allows you to continuously discover new things about someone. At least that's what I have always thought.

I once heard someone call intimacy the art of being in-to-me and honestly I think that is a perfect explanation. Isn't that what we want someone who is actually interested in us? At least that is what I want someone who is really into me, and not just trying to get in me.

I keep stressing the word intimacy because somehow I think it got left behind somewhere in history like the eight tracks, VCR, cassette players, we dropped it somewhere and kept the fuck on. Yet somehow we have been magically getting along fine without it. Well damn that, I am tired of getting along. I want that intimacy; that honest to goodness best conversation ever, got you feeling all warm and fuzz's inside that completely sprung "shoop shoop" type of intimacy. Honestly, I think we all want that, we all identify with wanting that type of intimacy be you male, female, she-male, gay, straight, bi, etc...

You know that is what we're all really searching for.

Us gay men, we seem to have the hardest time achieving such a thing. Which makes no sense to me at all, when that place called intimacy is exactly where we want to be. In that place there is that special connection with another guy on a level that far surpasses the monotony of day to day affairs, and tawdry casual encounters. We are searching for that connection that exceeds gender restrictions, because lots of people try to make us into these sick sexual animals and that is so not true. Honestly we're just men, looking for another man that we can completely be ourselves around. Someone who makes us laugh, that we can cry with, and scream with, play ball with, drink with, lay with, and just be completely and utterly vulnerable with. It sounds good doesn't it!

Funny thing about intimacy though, most of us, all of us; men and women think that the only way to achieve it; is through sex. Because for some odd reason we associate that pleasure connection, or the ability to let go and lose yourself in that moment of sexual satisfaction as true intimacy. That is not true though. The definition of Intimacy is the art of being intimate. The definition of intimate is to communicate delicately and indirectly. Which in my opinion means that conversation, mental stimulation, eye contact, physical touch, an emotional connection are all major players in this game. Sex is only a very small piece of an extremely huge puzzle. There are so many nuances, and so many levels, and so many little moments that make up what we crave. The moment that we understand that fact, well then real intimacy may be a whole lot easier to come by.

It's funny how the weather brought on such deep seeded emotions to the surface for me. The sky opened up on day and heaven let loose a thunderstorm all over Atlanta that wouldn't quit, and when I woke up to thundering and lightening outside of my window. I suddenly felt very....vulnerable! (Yes, that is the right word) I felt vulnerable. And it seemed every night there after as the ran beat out a melody against my window pain and I sat there in my bed alone I found myself feeling that surge of emotion that I could only explain as a need for human connection. It was those very emotions that lead me to my actions, and before long I was doing what most of us do; drowning myself in sexual miss-conduct. And after the first time and second time didn't satisfy that burning inside me I begin to really explore what I was feeling. What I desired went past lust. I desired something Serene. What I desired was to be close to someone, and have someone close to me, and that desire leads me to search for it. But when I couldn't find it, intimacy, I begin to ask myself why?

The answer is simple; everybody is too busy boning. Even the love songs aren't talking about love anymore, it's all about sex. Whatever happened to turning off the lights and lighting a candle? Whatever happened to sunshine on a cloudy day? Instead now they're singing bend over and show the world, tut that booty up girl. When did intimacy die? I want somebody to bring me joy, you know, joy when I'm down. So much joy. We all crave it, that joy, that connection, that intimacy.

Sad thing is we're running, fleeing like Frankenstein's monster away from the villagers and their burning torches. Running like children through the woods at camp Crystal Lake. Running like teenagers on Elm Street through their dreams. We are running, and so was I. Yea, I did it too, ran like a thief in the night, and frankly I am tired. I don't want to run any more. I want it, I want intimacy. My question to you is when are you going to get tired of running? When are you going to allow yourself to be open, to talk delicately and indirectly with someone? When are you going to allow yourself to get close to someone, and let them bring you joy? When are you going to allow yourself to have true intimacy?

 

By: Rafael Solece

Ain’t He Something???

I remember when I was just a little boy playing all by my lonesome in the living room as mammy Grammy (my name for my grandmother) and my great aunt's (her sister's) sat around in her kitchen conversing of life and the follies there of. I loved when they got together. They're after work gossip sessions kept me a breast on the latest family news, and intimate secretes, because whenever the ladies held up court at grandmother's tiny breakfast table stories of family troubles and success's would always seem to ensue. I can almost see them now sitting there in their work uniforms, beers in one hand, cigarettes in the other, and playing cards spread out across the table before them. Voice raised high over the rhythm & blues playing softly in the back ground as they let loose the most monstrous bouts of laughter I have yet to find a match for, except for my own. It was during those late afternoon sessions that sometimes spilled over into the night that I first began to learn of His Grace & Mercy. (To whom am I referring to when I say His, do you ask? I am speaking of The Supreme Power, The Most High, My God.)

Funny, not even I could understand how such sacrilegious activity could turn into a spiritual conference, but sometimes; it is the way between southern black women. Their ability to take any situation and use it as an opportunity to praise The Most High is almost magical in itself. I find it now in my adult age one of those unique traits that I yearn to possess. (I still think it may only be a woman thing.) I can recall sitting down wind of their voices when ever so often I would hear one of them exclaim, when the jovial conversation would take a turn toward serious reflection, I would hear one say in the most soft spoken, reflective way "Ain't God Good?" As if she herself were recalling a time in her life when The Most High had sent his blessings and/or protection down to surround her. And usually her recount of God's love was followed by testimony in the affirmative "he sure is girl." And "Haulleloujia" so loud that it seemed they would raise the roof off of the kitchen. It is those moments when I was younger and my ears lay at the foot of grown folk's conversation, that I remember most. I remember the words of encouragement followed by carefully plucked scripture. Lessons of God's love, and trusting in his peace that passes all understanding, that hold me now as an adult. Yet, as much as remember the praises gone up high, it wasn't until recently that my own maturity began to understand the power, the love, the counsel, the blessings, the lessons, the guidance, the grace &mercy of The Lord…

Will you allow me a minute to tell you how good GOD is? There is definitely something about when The Most High begins to move you to your next level. He lines things up just so that the Universe has no choice but to give you exactly what it is that the Lord knows that is required in order for us to move from point A to point B. I know because I am in the midst of my relocation (If one wanted to call it that, I do). I say relocation because where I am right physically, emotionally, economically, is not where I am sanctioned to always be. You see The Most High has been working diligently in my life, preparing me for a greater station. He's been molding my talents to get me ready to step into my blessing, and the reason I know this is because he told me so. That's why I walk, talk and feel different; because I am different today than I was a year and some change ago. In fact my life now has changed so drastically since then that if you knew me then you would probably take a double take to see me now. In that season of my life I was going through so much, and though I may have looked as if I was flying high on the hog, in all honesty I was so far down I was lying in the dirt. My heart was heavy, and my spirit was constantly worried, because my desires had taken me so far off course. Not that where I was, wasn't where I was supposed to be. It just wasn't a place that God wanted me to be. That is what happens when life gets away from you, and you step out of the realm of what The Lord has for you, and that is exactly what I had done. I had taken the gifts (my talents) the ones that HE had given to me, and squandered them away, and let me tell you The Lord was not pleased with me. When God isn't pleased with what you are doing it will weigh heavily on your soul.

It got so bad the I was constantly praying to God: "what am I not doing right Lord, that you have me sitting in a constant state of purgatory? Why am I going through hell? Why does it feel like my life is out of control?" I prayed these things because I just didn't feel content with my life. I didn't feel happy, I didn't have peace and I couldn't understand why? Especially since I was under the impression that God had placed me on a path of excellence, and if this was so, why was I standing in the middle of a forest without any bread crumbs to follow? Why was I so unhappy if I was so successful at a job that I had prayed for and he had given me? Why was I so pained in the relationship that I was praying so hard for? Well the answer was simple; I had prayed for the job yes. And God gave me what I had asked for, because God gives you what you desire, but just cause we want something and HE may give it to you doesn't make it right for you. I was pained in a relationship that wasn't for me; holding on to something that The Lord himself was trying to tear apart. It is foolish how we humans only see what we want, but not what is truly ours. HE has a cure for that! He had a cure for me.

I use to work for a very high end hotel in downtown Atlanta. In fact I was on the fast track. When I had started out there I was working in the Restaurant kitchen as a Food Runner, and working part time as an apprentice to the Pastry Chef. From there I got a promotion working in the front of the house as Restaurant Host. (My title was later up graded to Matre'D.) At the time I was also in a relationship, seemly happy, or so we looked on the outside. He was happy but I was pretending. I looked like I was living the American dream at least. Yes, I was making good money, extremely good money but my heart wasn't in my job. The Lord knew that I wasn't happy, or course HE knew that, he is the Lord. But I continued on in a job that I didn't love, where I felt underappreciated, because I felt that I needed to support a lover that did not have my best interest at heart. Oh, but GOD is good, he had something better for me. The whole time I was working those long sixteen hour days, at night when I got home I would sit at my computer writing, creating, imagining. (Stick with me, I am about to show you how HE blesses obedience. God had more for me. I just wasn't willing to trust him enough to step out into the escape route that he had already planned for me.) It didn't matter how tired I was, I felt compelled to sit down at that little Dell Inspiron of mine, and my fingers would glide over the keys with due diligence to write my hearts story.

See the Most High; HE had already told me that I was about to leave my job. That I had learned all I needed to learn from that building and the people that dwelled within its walls and that it was time for me to move on. God didn't put me at that hotel to work; he put me there to network. HE had put me there to see what happens when you his gifts to good use, you are blessed. But of course like most of us, I was being of the body, and not of my own spirit. Not of the Spirit of GOD. I wasn't willing to let go of my own fear and trust that HE, GOD, was going to take me to the place that he himself had already prepared for me. That is what is wrong with us as humans. So often we don't move when GOD wants us to because we think that we are being practical. You aren't being practical, you're being disobedient. The Lord Knows what he is doing?

The thing about GOD is he will only gives you so much time to do what he has asked you to do before he makes it impossible for you to do anything else. I know because I tried hard to hold on to my good paying job with the exceptional benefits. It seemed though that every time I tried to move up, God blocked that next promotion. (He wasn't pleased with my contentment with mediocrity because he knew I knew I was worth more.) To had insult to injury I trying hard to hold on to that insensitive, unsupportive man, that I called my man; despite the fact that he was mentally, and at times physically abusive toward me. God wasn't pleased with that either. He had sent him in my life to teach me one lesson and I had fallen in love, and I couldn't understand why my life felt so disjointed and why I didn't have any peace in my own home. But that is what happens when you mix seasonal people up with life time expectations. But I know why I was holding on so tight I felt that without my good paying job I wouldn't be able to maintain my life style. I thought that if I didn't have a man in my life then my life wasn't worth anything. (Pure and divine foolishness! Yes, I know stupid that sounds but that was how I felt. I knew GOD but I didn't truly understand the love of GOD.) You know that God was not pleased with my mind set. God knew the spirit in me and HE knew the greatness that I was capable of achieving. I just could not see it, and I wasn't maintaining anything. My lover was taking all the money I made and using it on frivolous things. He was so busy showing off to his friends; spending rent and bill money at the club, and our house was suffering. It is so funny that we know our worth yet we allow people to treat us like we are worth nothing. That wasn't in GOD's plan for me. That relationship and that non-existent love was not the way that HE wanted me to live. The job that undervalued my experience, that was not a part of GOD's plan; at least not anymore.

HE gave me sign after sign constantly warning me of the consequences of my failure to move when HE had beckoned for me to move. Finally, I am almost sure the LORD just got fed up and HE took that job from me. Yes sir. I tell people all the time "oh I quit that job at the Ritz" No the truth is, the Ritz quit me. Next thing I knew I was out of a job, no money saved in the bank for a rainy day, several months behind on my rent, and I had an extra mouth to feed. An extra mouth that didn't give a damn weather I got feed. I was not in a good place, and honestly I was upset with GOD for throwing my life into such an upheaval. (Funny how we blame god for the things we have done wrong. Now I know this post is a tad bit religious, but let me tell you it is for good reason.)

Now let me tell you how good GOD is! Yes, I was without a job, but I wasn't going down without a fight. GOD knew that, because HE knew the light that HE had placed in me on the day of my creation. I went out the very next day after losing my job, knowing that the man that I was involved with wasn't worth a sack of shit; (yes I said it, I had to for you to understand the urgency involved.) I went out looking for a job. Let me tell you the first place that I saw when I got off the train was at Starbuck's. Yes, I contemplated going in there and applying for a job, but I talked myself out of it. Well a voice inside of me as I began to walk into the opposite direction called out to me and said. "No, you better go in there and put in an application." Back then I wasn't privy to listen to my voice within. SO I started to walk away again. Well that voice said loud as a siren ringing in my head "Go in there and put in an application RIGHT NOW!" Of course I listened that time. I strolled into the store and within twenty minutes of having been in there I had met with the store manager and received my scheduled date for my first day of training. Yes it was less than what I was use to making but it was a far cry from nothing. which was what I would have been making had I not walked into the Starbuck's on that day. Amen!

Oh but GOD wasn't done yet.

There was the matter of that other man in my life. He was still hanging on, and let me tell you why. The No-Good-Man knew the talent that I had. He had read that story that I was working on, on my dell. He saw the potential in what I could be. He was holding on for the fall out, otherwise when I lost my job, he would have moved on to the next guy, and leached off of him. Now you know GOD wasn't going to allow that to happen! So HE worked on my spirit the same way HE worked on my spirit about Starbuck's. That voice inside me just wouldn't let up. It nagged at me every second of every day, and God snatched off those love blinders so I could see the disorder living in my house. Suddenly all of that mans faults started to come to the light, and everything he did turned my stomach. I began to acknowledge my displeasure, my distrust, my dislike for him and his ways. Let me tell you there was a lot of things I had blinded myself. It didn't take long for me to realize that I could do bad all by myself. I let that man, his ways, and that relationship go. That was all The Most High needed to begin the real work.

That was the same year that I finished my hearts story, and a hobby I called journaling, became a very big part of my life. One whole book finished I started a second. But I had no idea what I was supposed to do with my work when I was done with it. You know GOD, pointed me into the next direction and placed in me a new sort of dream. I let a friend read some of my work and their question to me was; what are you going to do with this? I had no answer, well they answered for. "You should really try to get it published." Just like that my writing became my passion. The weeks to follow I researched the process, and the information came to me like water flowing from a facet. I can only imagine that it was GOD doing what God does; carefully ordering my steps. When I had learned what I thought I needed to know, I started querying publishers trying to get my book picked up. After 229 letters and emails to fiction agents across the country and abroad (YES I COUNTED) and 228 rejections, I got a letter from one agent that gave me a great suggestion.

You should really think about self-publishing Mr. Solece. Lots of first time authors make it a practice to do this it is a way to see if your work is strong enough to carry a writing career. And it gives you an opportunity to make a name for yourself, and gain the notice of publisher's.

That age old wisdom that The Most High possesses is the very thing that gets us where we need to be in the end. It is He who tells us when to quit a job that has been our security. It is HE who tells us to sat down and finish that book. It is HE who tells us when to turn in that business plan, or when it is the right time to ask the bank for the money we need; despite the fact that we are in a recession. It is through the wisdom of The Most High, which he lends to us when we need it, that we have the ability to dream, conquer, and achieve great things. If you don't believe you then let me give you a great example of how his infinite wisdom works.

When I read that letter something in me said move. Like a wave across the top of the ocean, I began to move. Like before I researched self-publishing companies. When I had gathered all the information I needed I made the decision to step out on the faith of God. Two days after the paper work from the self-publishing company came; I got a check in the mail from the federal government that I was not expecting for at least months. It was just enough for me to make the first two payments of three to my publishing company for my book. I was about to be a self published author. You see God doesn't do things on mistake. That was at the beginning of 2009 when I made that payment. By December I will be a Published author of my first book, and it is all because GOD. It is all because GOD is soo good to me.

You see when you trust GOD, when you love him enough to believe that he will carry you across the desert then there is nothing you cannot do. We don't trust GOD enough. We don't believe in that voice that speaks to us from within, and when it tells us to do something we ignore it. Well let me tell you. You better start listening to that voice, unless you like missing out on blessings. It took me going through those things to get me here, and though the wait has been long and in my mind I still have a ways to go The Most High is still moving in my life. I know because I can feel him now speaking to me as he prepares to move me yet again. Difference this time is that I am actually open now. I am open to receive HIS guidance and HIS word. Yes, I know now what my Mammy Grammy and My Great Aunt's were talking about when they said "Ain't GOD good." Because I have experienced his goodness first hand.

YES, GOD IS GOOD. HE HAS BEEN GOOD TO ME, AND HE WILL BE GOOD TO YOU TO IF YOU ALLOW HIM TO!