Someone asked me today "Do I ever doubt myself?' They couldn't have asked at a more terminal point than at that very moment. I was already going through some issues. I was stressed about my book pre-release. Frustrated about the funding for my Book Listening Party, and worried about how I was going to pay my bills. I was scared that the groceries in my cabinet weren't going to make it through till I got paid again. Most of all I was worried about all the people in my life whom were depending on me to make things happen, and I was scared that I might actually fall short this week. SO when he asked me such a simple question I was one deep breath away from breaking down, bursting into tears, and sobbing uncontrollably into my coffee cup. (Something in me said not to breath. So I held my breath for ten seconds) I looked him dead in his eyes and I said softly and with as much convictions I could muster: I no more doubt myself than any other person who has ambitions and goals. It's not doubt that I feel more so than it is me trying to maintain a sense of urgency and certainty. He nodded his head and went back to the task of prepping his coffee. But as we sat there listening to the sounds of Christmas music play above our heads, I thought of my dreams, my goals, my ambitions, and I tried my best to keep those tears at bay.
If you follow me on twitter then you know my struggles. You know that I have worries, that I have fears, and that I constantly doubt myself all the time. There are those that would look at me and think "he thinks he owns the world." But that's not it at all; my confident air is a cover up for the fear that sometimes swells up inside of me. I am just a brother who is trying to make it happen for me, but there ain't no outline for what I am trying to achieve. People sometimes think that I know exactly what I am doing, but every step I take is a guess. Nothing is calculated about anything that I do, and my justification for the result of said decisions made in my life is that "I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and exactly where God wants me to be."
If that is true why do I feel like I am standing in the middle of the forest lost and without a compass, a map, or a guide? Is this how taking risk is supposed to feel? Is this how life is suppose to feel; completely frightening, and out of my control? If so then I have succeed at least at that, because that is exactly how I feel. I sometimes wonder how people get pass the struggle. It seems so insurmountable at times, and at other times it just feels dangerously crazy what I have decided to do with my life, with my career.
But isn't that what I wanted to be different to stand out? I mean honestly I have always been on the outside looking in at the so called regular people. SO what makes where I am now any different. Of course the safe road would be to just work at a "job" until retirement came time, but then I would be stuck doing what someone else wanted me to do and completely unhappy. I may be a tad bit discouraged now, but there are those moments when I am completely happy and enamored by the projects that I am working on. When actually money and bills are the furthest thing from my mind.
I wish I had more of those moments then the stress of it all wouldn't weight so heavily on me. Despite the fear, the anxiety, the frustration, I wouldn't change my course at all. Writing is my life, so I choose life.
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