A Revelations of Life

By Rafael Solece

The last couple of days have really been sort of eye opening. Everything that has begun to happen has really got me to contemplating some things about my life. Though everything in my circle of influence, personal, and spiritual and relative to my life in general is going in an upward momentum, there have been a few days in the midst of my progression that have caused me to pause. Cause me to think; caused me to reevaluate my understanding.

Most of which have had to do with major changes in my immediate lifestyle. Like my retreat from the day to day cycle of a nine to five. Or the revelation of being in the final stages of publishing for my first novel. (Even now it still puts a smile on my face.) Not to mention the launch of my website, and the beginning of my writing career; which has leapt mounds in the last couple of days. It is all these things that have changed my mind about certain ideals that I have held close to my heart in the last year; the biggest of those ideas being living a single life style.

In the past year I have birthed many things; from new visions to new projects, and each time that life has offered me a new level of understanding I have taken it with a hungry heart. When I decided that love was fleeting, and being single was much more pragmatic I embraced it whole heartedly. It gave me an opportunity to really appreciate myself and what I had to offer. It gave me an opportunity to understand that I was a gift, and that the person that came into my life should feel honored to be with me. Most of all, that time to myself give me the time to marinate on the gifts that The Most High had blessed me with, and to grow in my understanding of what I deserve, what I am capable of, and what is deemed righteous in my eyes.

The time I spent learning, appreciating, and building myself; was magnificent time spent. But I think in that time I forgot what is was like to have someone to share the triumphs of life with. Friday I learned that the first copy of my book was due to arrive her at my home. I was excited and my heart danced in a way it hadn't danced in a long time. If I had been a cloud I would have floated into the cosmos. That's just the type of joy I felt. But as I celebrated my accomplishment, I realized that I was celebrating alone. There was no one here to be married in my joy. It is funny how accomplishment, alone means very little when it is alone.

It was in the midst of my joy that I recognized sadness in me. I wasn't lonely in the sense of being alone. In fact; Loneliness I handled extremely well. I had grown accustomed and peaceful in that state of being. I loved the solitude of having what only belonged to me. I loved the peace of living alone. I loved the solidarity of being able to come and go as I pleased. What I found bothered most: was the fact that in my joyous, ecstatic, revilant, and triumphant moments of life, there was no one to share and reveal in them with me. That made was what made me stop and think. Made reevaluate love, and relating to someone, who loved relating to me.

It was then that I begin to feel the loneliness of being without a man who quite feverishly loved me. And who I could share the relevant, joyous, accolades that the bounty of my life was offering me.